My Why…

I have been debating on starting a blog for a while. Like a long while. I kept going back and forth between a website and Facebook page and I kept debating with myself on whether or not it was worth it. My thoughts were mostly about what other people will think. Things like “are people going to care about my random thoughts” or “Will they think I’m doing it for attention” or “Is she just going to exploit her kids”. As much as I want to be a positive thinker I’m not. I think more negative and intrusive thoughts than anyone should. I worry too much about what other people think. Why? I have no clue because the majority of my brain says who cares! So after talking it through to others to try and eliminate those thoughts I decided to go for it. I even talked to my therapist (because I started therapy recently) and she even assured me that it doesn’t matter what other people think because this is for me. Its my story and its my thoughts. I need an outlet right now and this is it.

Which brings me to my ‘why’. Why now? Well my little buddy came along and turned my world upside down. Everything I thought I should be doing in my life and career has been thrown through the ringer.

For those that know me already you know that my son Ryder has had two open heart surgeries and is doing fantastic given all that he has gone through. I am so proud to be his mama. So much so that I have decided to stay home with him rather than return to work.

The decision to not return to work was extremely hard but being home and caring for Ryder is what is best for my family right now. However, staying home has also given me a serious case of identity crisis. I have worked since I was 14 years old and this is the longest stretch of time that I haven’t had a job. Technically I still have my job with the school district but I am on an unpaid child rearing leave through the school year. But I sent in my resignation letter last week. I have loved all I have done with my school and loved the library. It feels like I am losing a piece of myself not going back there. 10 years I dedicated my life to my school. Even right before Ryder was born it was my intention to go back.

When we were interstage between the two surgeries we went on a lockdown being super careful of germs because even a little cold could put Ryder back in the ICU. We took many precautions to make sure he was as healthy as possible going into his second surgery in January. He also had feeding restrictions and constant monitoring. We decided it was best that I stay home and care for all of his needs. The end of my maternity leave was just around the corner and I had to make my decision known. It didn’t make sense to try and return to work when we had another open heart surgery hanging over our heads. We had no idea what was ahead of us, how long this recovery was going to be, or what our lives would look like after the second surgery. With heart babies so many things can go wrong very quickly. We were extremely fortunate that Ryder had an exceptional recovery and we had a very short hospital stay. I will also never regret this time staying home with him.

I have talked with his doctors, friends, colleagues, family and decided that its time to share my stories. Ryder is just a part of my story, one I am truly blessed to have. Its time to break out of my shell and share about me. All the good, the bad, and the ugly. Thank you for reading this much and stay tuned to what I have in store.